Hi, it’s Stacey again, and thanks for hanging out! I am absolutely overwhelmed by the amount of support I have received over the past week, so THANK YOU. It’s been incredible, and I am honored I can be a voice for so many. If this blog never sees another visitor, I feel like I have already done my small part in this world. But obviously keep coming back, thankyouverymuch!
This week I bring you a topic everyone can relate to: denial. Whether its something serious like denying the fact you may be struggling with your own mental health, or something a little lighter like thinking that leather skirt from 1999 still fits, denial is a powerful thing. For me, I was in denial about my diagnoses, the fact I needed serious help, and the fact that I have super addictive behaviors that have lead me down multiple destructive paths in my life. Denial, denial, denial.
Here’s the thing about my denial. I couldn’t lie to myself. Even when I did, I had a little tiny voice inside that knew the truth. That tiny voice that I could hear when I was all alone. I call my voice Bianca. She’s known our (she’s part of me) truth for a very long time. Bianca kept telling me that we needed help and I ignored her. Through all the alcohol and drugs, toxic relationships, countless job changes, and high-risk behaviors, I thought I was just FUN! (Stands tall and proud.) Um, not so much. I was a disaster! (Crumbles to ball on floor.) Maybe a fun disaster, but still, a complete disaster, at least on the inside.
Here are just SOME of the things I used to tell myself, followed by Bianca’s response:
- “I’m not super moody, I’m just PMS-ing and that’s normal” All month? You may have a mental health disorder.
- “OMG I blacked out drinking again, HAHAHA!” Shame crawls inside of you.
- “What if my apartment is on fire? I think I left the oven on.” No, you didn’t even cook today, that’s anxiety.
- “James (made up name) loves me even though we only hang out to do drugs.” He is toxic and using you.
- “Harry (real name of first ever boss) is the WORST boss ever! He hates me even though I’m trying my best.” You drink at lunch and smoke cigarettes in the hallways, ummmm, really?!
I could go on and on about the things I used to tell myself. But none of it was the truth. So I needed to get out of denial, but how? It took me A LOT of therapy to figure it out, so I’m going to share the secret with you. To get out of denial, I needed to be VULNERABLE and find the COURAGE to be HONEST. Having the courage to accept the truth is HARD. But, I had to face my fears if I wanted a healthy life. The fear of judgment, the fear of losing friends, the fear of sobriety, the fear of failing. All of that fear kept me down in my denial and I had to dig my fingers deep into the denial wall and climb out.
Truth is, once I faced my fears, I learned I was attracted to toxic people because it was a lot easier to deal with their behaviors than dealing with my own internal issues. It was easy to blame and judge them, and not me, for everything and anything. I was attracted to the “party girl” image and high-risk behaviors because I didn’t love myself and didn’t value my life. And you know what the common denominator was with all of those “bad or boring jobs” and “impossible bosses”? You guessed it, me. I was the problem.
Think of the Cowardly Lion who was so scared to ask for courage from the Wizard of Oz, but he finally chose to be vulnerable and ask. Only to learn he was a fake wizard! Turns out, the lion learned had the courage all along. And so do we all. We just have to dig deep and find it. This post doesn’t offer advice, but rather something to relate to. All I can tell you is that I was liberated once facing my own truth. The truth about my mental health disorders, the truth about my addictions, and the truth that I needed help.
I was freed from myself. I came clean to Bianca, my family and friends, and now you. And guess what? The people who loved me still love me. Some of the truths didn’t come without some tears, but those who truly love and care about me continue to support me. And I’m sure the people who judged me still judge me. I’ve also learned that the judgment part is their problem, not mine. We cannot control how others think and feel. Repeat: We cannot control how others think and feel. Now that’s the lesson for this entry!
I now live with my own badge of courage, this blog. I will be vulnerable every week and share my truth with you. So whether it’s getting professional help, upping the size of that leather skirt, or just admitting whatever you need to yourself, I encourage you to do it. The truth shall set you free. It feels so good. Promise.
I leave you with this poem: Taking a bath, scrubbing in denial, Pass the soap, this is just vile. Destructive path, to me I was fine, Pass the dutchie, the beer, and the wine. How long could I go, without a stumble, Day after day, about to crumble. Until one moment, I had enough, This toxic lifestyle, called my bluff. Reached out for help, truthful I was, Fear and honesty, killed the buzz. Face the demons, head on we go, Happiness and freedom, right in tow.
Love, Stacey
