happy New Year?

Hi everyone! It’s Stacey, remember me? It’s been about 6 months since my last post. I’m sorry it’s been that long, but the truth is, I felt like my life was just too boring to write about. I had nothing to offer you.  Or maybe it was just a severe case of writer’s block. Either way, I’ve been thinking about you and it’s time to get back into the swing of things.

So, my bipolar life is now “boring”. I’m stable. Super stable. And sober (Day 67, but who’s counting?). No ups, no downs, no more waking up to see if the world will receive Stacey or Bianca (remember my alter-ego?), and I have a hard time crying (except for the inauguration today; Kamala had me balling, what an amazing time to be a woman!). This is what meds and therapy do. Keep you stable, but also keep you from feeling your feelings really hard.

Being bipolar is bipolar. It’s a difficult diagnosis to live with because it’s hard to find the happiness balance. Untreated, I had amazing days where I felt Euphoric, with a capital “E”. Nothing could get in my way, I loved everyone and everything, and I was super grateful for it all, and felt as if I was floating above the world. Treated, on the other hand, I just feel like I’m walking around, with my feet on the ground, in a happy, lower case “h”, place. Things could be great or awful, but I just take deep breaths and roll with it.

Don’t get me wrong; my life couldn’t be better right now. My marriage is in a great place and I’m obsessed with my husband. My career is taking off and I’m up for a HUGE promotion tomorrow. I’ve found multi-level marketing to be a fun hobby on the side. I’m enjoying being sober and healthy. I mean, I’ve gained 30 pounds on these meds, but I’m so stable that I almost don’t care (I care a little).

I certainly don’t miss the intense “down feelings” that almost cost me my life. This is what I keep in mind when I’m missing my super highs. I remind myself those super highs come with paying a price. The price of sanity, the price of true happiness, the price of a calm mind. So, I give myself grace (hello self-love!). I allow myself to miss the old, crazy me at times. But then immediately remind myself why I needed to change and start to practice self-love… Because I value my life and the people in it, and I don’t want to leave that or hurt people (or myself) along the way.

Uncontrolled bipolar is no longer a road I want to be on. I’ll take lower-case happy over upper-case Euphoria. Even with that said, it doesn’t mean it isn’t a huge adjustment. Being the calm one. The one who isn’t reactive anymore. The one who looks at a situation and thinks, there is a solution to this problem and I will calmly figure it out. All of the therapy, medication, self-care, and self-love have paid off. It’s been a trip to get to know the new me, but I’m starting to really like her.