Hi, it’s Stacey again, and thanks for hanging out!
During one of my group therapies, I was asked to write about my intrinsic value. WTF, I thought to myself, what does that even mean? In business I knew that intrinsic value meant the value of an asset for investors, but when it came to me, I had to really think of how this applied to myself. After thinking for a few hours, I hit a wall… My brain was slowly moving like an overweight hamster on his wheel… How do I value my own self? This was a simple question, but a very hard one to answer.
I started with my childhood. The first thing that came to mind was the bullying I endured and the low self-esteem that came with it. While I was always a good student, I was made fun of for so many things at school: I was called a duck for the way I walked (with my feet turned out from practicing ballet), my lips were too big (I was compared to Fire Marshall Bill from the old TV show, “In Living Color”. Super thankful for these bad boys now!), and my style (I liked to wear loud, crazy clothes and hats like Joey wore from The New Kids on the Block). I ended up changing schools when I went to high school, which was helpful, but the low self-worth followed.
The only place where I remember feeling like I was worth something was on stage, as a competitive dancer in high school. How fitting though, hiding behind costumes and performing as different characters is what made me feel “enough”. When it was time to graduate high school, I dreamed of staying home and becoming a back up dancer for Janet Jackson, but I was encouraged to go to college so I could have a “good job that pays good money” after I graduated. I obliged. But my parents didn’t have to fully twist my arm; I yearned for a place where I could fit in other than the dance studio.
When I got to college, I started to take part in risky behaviors partially because of my undiagnosed bipolar disorder, and partially because my self-love wasn’t there to save me. I started to binge drink, got a “tramp stamp” tattoo (my friend Jen remembers this well; she helped me pick it off the wall), and sealed the coolness deal by getting a belly button piercing. I did whatever I could to fit in and never experience bullying or being “not enough” again.
Thinking about my writing assignment, I continued to reflect on my past. As I got older, I certainly didn’t value my body; I poured toxins into it on the regular, I had self-harmed in secret, and I didn’t always act like a lady (hope my parents skip over this part). I didn’t value my mind either, as I used mind-altering substances that took “ice cream scoops out of my brain”, or so they say.
OMG, did I have ANY self-worth??? My hamster brain wheel was turning at rapid speed now. Truth: I don’t think I did for a long time. I pretended to, but deep down I knew how I really felt: lost, “less than”, and out of control. It wasn’t until I went through a mental health intensive program and get a proper mental health diagnosis, did I learn how to establish my self-worth with self-care, self-compassion, and self-love.
Back to my writing assignment. After thinking of all the negative things I had done and been through, I chose to shift my view of the glass to half full. Presently, I was taking care of myself by being compliant with my medications and therapy. I was participating in activities that made me happy like writing, painting, and gardening (or plant-killing some would call it). I was giving myself compassion by telling myself that I was doing the best I could each day. And I was doing the best I could those entire years prior. The self-love and self-worth were finally developing, and it showed in all aspects of my life. And while I was killing my dahlia plants, I was now glowing in value.
Finding my intrinsic value required a lot of work and self-reflection. It’s something I continue to work on every day. This blog entry encourages you to reflect on your own intrinsic value. How do you value yourself? If you have an answer you don’t like, don’t worry, it’s never too late. Self-love and self-compassion will always be there waiting for you. I of course wrote a poem for my assignment, and I share it with you now:
Bullied and poked and constant harass, I couldn’t wait for this childhood to pass. My laugh, my walk, my hair, my face, I never got a break, never any grace. Numbing it all with vices galore, Was the way I lived and continued to explore. Sadness and shame filled my soul, Did what they expected, never my own goal. Life goes by in a quick blink, Now I stare, blood drips in my sink. Chaos and sorrow followed me here, My life direction completely unclear. Until one day after the storm, The clouds have parted and I’m reborn. Self love and care are my new friends, Compassion seething through my new lens. Morals, values, and goals are re-gifted, My spirit and soul forever lifted. Love, Stacey
