Hi there, it’s Stacey again, and thanks for hanging out! It’s been quite a week and I’m happy to be here. I feel like you’ve gotten to know me a bit after my first two entries, but now I’m going to switch gears and focus on some serious skills to lead you to a happier life (hair flip). Remember, I’m not a therapist, but I’ve been in therapy longer than most therapists have been practicing. So, I feel like kind of an expert, BUT I DO NOT REPLACE PROFESSIONAL HELP. I’m simply here to guide you, support you, and love you unconditionally. No, I also don’t think I’m your Higher Power either. I literally just want to pay forward all of the skills and tools I’ve learned from my umpteen years of therapy, and I love you for being here with me.
This week I bring you the concept of “should-ing”. Some of you may have heard of this, but if not, be prepared to have your mind blown. I had a therapist interrupt me once and say, “Stop shoulding on yourself!!” Well then. Okay, ma’am. I did a double take, put my hand on my heart, and thought, “Did I just get cussed at by my mental health professional?” In a way yes, but the good kind of way. The kind of way where someone tells you that you need to be kinder to yourself. Hear me out…
What does ‘shoulding’ mean? ‘Shoulding’ is the verb form of “should”. “Should” statements create a belief that things should be a certain way. When they’re not that certain way, we are left disappointed, anxious, or angry. Before we know it, we are already feeling like a failure. Let me give you some examples of what ‘shoulding’ looks like:
- I should be exercising more.
- I should be a better wife and cook more often.
- I should work harder.
- I should be spending more time with my kids.
- I should buy my wife more flowers (this one may be true, j/k.).
Do you see why they say to stop ‘shoulding’ on yourself!? Because you’re making yourself feel like shit! You are creating an expectation that does not exist in your reality. Furthermore, if we lay these “should” statements on others, we often feel frustrated. Examples of this include:
- My friends should call me more.
- My family should come over more for the holidays.
- My son/daughter should make more time for me.
- My husband should be more romantic.
- My so and so should take better care of themselves.
Well, not only do these statements make others feel bad, but they make you feel bad too. “Should” is a negative thinking pattern (cognitive distortion) that only creates stress and exacerbates underlying mental health concerns. Now, I know you’re thinking: Stacey! What do we say to ourselves instead of should? Well, it’s simple. We give ourselves self-love and self-compassion. We reframe the thought to give ourselves and others grace, and therefore come from a place of compassion and empathy. Let’s take a look on how we can reframe some of the thoughts above.
- Instead of “I should be cooking more”, let’s reframe the thought to this: “I didn’t cook at all this week, and that’s okay because I worked everyday and I’m doing the best that I can.” Whoa. Is that some self-compassion I hear??
- Instead of “My friends should call me more”, how about: “I miss my friends, and I know they are so busy with their families. I’m going to give so and so a call this week.” Um, is that empathy just pouring out of your pores?!
- Finally, and my favorite: “My husband should be more romantic”. Instead, we can tell ourselves “Romance may not be my husband’s number one strength, but he shows me love in other ways like keeping the house tidy”. Holey moley!
Is it too much that I want to put an electric collar on those who keep ‘shoulding’ on themselves? Like every time that word comes out of someone’s mouth, I’d like to give him or her a little shock to know that that is a negative thought! It sounds inhumane, and it is, but that’s how much I want you to stop ‘shoulding’ on yourself.
Warning: ‘Shoulding’ also takes form in other words such as ‘ought’ and ‘must’, so beware! Instead of focusing on the negative, reframe your thought with love and compassion. It’s a total game changer. Just call me Positive Polly.
I leave you with this short poem today: Shoulda, oughta, musta, I say, Negative thoughts, getting in the way. Anger and frustration, no good these do, Beat yourself up, black and blue. Stop right there, freeze that thought, Getting held up, handcuffed and caught. Taken in, charged and then freed, Thoughts reframed, living at full speed.
Xoxo,
Stacey
